PutnamLIES.com's legal correspondent was present in court for Halburn's trespassing appeal.
We thought we'd recap some of the exchanges between Judge Kaufman and Halburn to demonstrate Halburn's legal brilliance.
Halburn (to Deputy Vernon): Why did you have your firearm when there's a sign that says no firearms?
Kaufman: What does that have to do with anything?
Halburn: Apparently he was breaking the law.
Prosecutor: He's authorized. He's a law enforcement officer.
Halburn: Is there an exclusion?
Kaufman: It doesn't matter! It's irrelevant!
Kaufman: Ever been to this pool before?
Halburn: No. I don't live in Kanawha County.
Kaufman: But you've been to other public pools?
Halburn: I've been to other public pools.
You've been to other public pools all right. The visit usually involves you leaving in handcuffs.
Kaufman: Hot August day. How many people would you say, in the middle of the afternoon, on a Saturday in August, were in the pool?
Halburn: A half dozen or more.
Kaufman: A half dozen or more on a Saturday afternoon in August. In a place you knew was a public pool. No manager, no employees, Any cars?
Halburn: There were several.
It's a 90 degree day in August (warm, you call it), yet there were no patrons at the pool. Didn't that seem a little odd to you, asswipe? Like you're the only one with the idea to go swimming.
Kaufman: Let me get back to the trespassing thing
Halburn: There was no trespass!
Kaufman: He made all that up? Nothing the sheriff said was true because he was so upset that you caught him swimming?
Halburn: I didn't catch him swimming. I walked in there to swim in a public pool with a sign that invited me in. I wasn't trying to catch anybody.
Kaufman: How can that make anyone upset unless they were nude swimming with another guy or another girl?
Kaufman: If my memory serves me most public pools are closed that last week in August because the lifeguards go back to school.
Kaufman: Why is it that you feel you had a right or some entitlement to ask them anything- the people that were swimming?
Halburn: I thought there were people swimming in the pool.
Kaufman: There were people swimming in that pool but it was none of your concern.
Kaufman: You've got this in a picture in your mind that's very favorable to yourself that you weren't doing anything wrong.
Halburn: I wasn't.
Kaufman: That's what you think.
Halburn: That's what I know.
That's right, Pee Wee Herman, argue with the judge. That'll get you real far.
Halburn: Had that sign not been posted I would not have gone in the pool.
Kaufman: Don't you think that this is for people who pay or have a right to go in there?
Kaufman: This is not trespassing because the sign said to go around?
Halburn: The sign says enter through the gate.
Kaufman: The gate was open & you didn't pay any money, and someone was in the pool?
Halburn: I also didn't go swimming.
Kaufman: You weren't cited for swimming.
Kaufman: He didn't look like he was there to give directions to the public did he? Honestly?
Halburn: He didn't look like an officer. He had no identification. I had no idea until he put the cuffs on me. He looked like a civilian. I thought he was joking with me.
It's all fun and games until someone gets handcuffed.
At this point I think the judge had enough and started fucking with Halburn.
Kaufman: Was he under water or above water when you asked him?Halburn: He was underwater when I first approached him and he popped up and he was above when I asked him. I didn't ask him where the manager was so I could pay, I asked him where the manager was and I would ask the manager where to pay.Kaufman: Had he taken a breath when you asked him?Halburn: I don't recall how many breaths. He appeared to have taken a breath.Kaufman: He caught one breath on his way up?Halburn: I don't know.
Kaufman: Was he in good shape, this fella?
Halburn: He appeared to... a lot of people are in shape that aren't deputies.
Kaufman: I mean he was in phenomenal shape, wasn't he?
Halburn: I wouldn't say phenomenal, but I'm not a physical fitness expert.
Halburn: He had no identification.
Kaufman: Of course he didn't, underwater?
Halburn: On his wetsuit, no identification.
Kaufman: He had a wet suit on. That should be enough.
Halburn: I've seen people swim in public pools in wetsuits.
Kaufman: 6 of 'em on an August day?
Halburn: I can see where this is going.
So do we.
Guilty.
Again.
Halburn must read Bartlett's on a regular basis. How else could he demonstrate two adages at once. "A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client." and "It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
He's too cheap to hire a lawyer and too stupid to keep his mouth closed.
While I was listening to the "trial" I was perplexed why a person who attends as many religious activities as Mark would chose to "affirm" rather than "swear"...is there a difference between the two?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that "Halburn", being the pious, devout christian that he is, would say that in the book of Matthew, JC is said to have specifically advised his followers against swearing.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe he's a Quaker. He does look a little like that fat fucker on the oats box.
"...Halburn: I've seen people swim in public pools in wetsuits."
ReplyDeleteWhere in the world do people swim in a public pool in August in wetsuits? It's not something I've ever seen in any of the 50 states I've visited over the years.
It's not that Halburn is too cheap to hire a lawyer. It's just that any lawyer with more than three functioniong brain cells would ask this nimrod to immediately leave the office once he explained the facts of the case.
ReplyDeleteAs an attorney (and one who's encountered this clown on one occasion), I feel some small degree of pride that even my much-disparaged profession won't help this chubby goof abuse the system.
As for his "devout" beliefs? Please. During my single encounter with him he began screaming and cursing on the phone when I could not give him the answer he wanted.
And I WOULD swear to that...
The only religious events he attends have free food.
ReplyDeleteI heard he cut into line and pushed everyone out of the way so he could have all the wafers and wine to himself.
ReplyDeleteHere's what fatsack said last year about his previous trespass:
"And, as much as people hate me, I have two college degrees. An educated man DOES NOT TRESPASS into government property, ESPECIALLY one who makes his living in view of the public."
No, you've done it TWICE.
How's that lawsuit with MAJOR PUNITIVE DAMAGES coming for the Putnam trespass, assbag??
There is very little correlation between intelligence and education. Mark with "two college degrees" is proof enough of that.
ReplyDeleteHe claims to have two college degrees.
ReplyDeleteYet, he works menial jobs meant for high school and college kids.
I am sure he was hoping the manager was a 20ish female he could push around and intimidate.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he thought the guys in wetsuits were lifeguards? I am sure in CA the lifeguards wear wetsuits and SCUBA tanks, and are physically in the water instead of on the stands... and he was the only person in the greater Kanawha Valley who wanted to swim that day at that pool, since NO ONE ELSE was laying out, no kids playing, no concession stand, no one but the lifeguards in wetsuits with SCUBA tanks...
Plus the pool had obviously been closed for some time since the water was a foot low and filled with algae.
ReplyDeleteYet he was, in Judge Kaufman's words, "ready to go, even with the algae in the pool."
He's like those safari pictures you see with the hippo laying submerged in a muddy stream.
He affirmed because he is an atheist.
ReplyDelete