On The Job

So I'm at work tonight on the 3-11 shift, screwing Comfort Suites out of a day's pay (it's NOT just for the benefits like I've been saying, my wife has benefits and a better job than I do, she's just tired of me not making any money when I play reporter so she made me get a real job), and I decide to jeopardize my employment AGAIN by getting on the internet and visiting the REAL Putnam County News Leader, PutnamLIES.com.
I've been warned by those pricks at The Summit Group about this previously. I just don't give a shit. Never have, never will. I've been fired from every other job I've ever had. You think this one is a big deal?
Fuck them. Do they think this is the only hotel in town?

I hadn't been at work for three hours when I started fucking off on the computer. Stopped by again around 9:30. I can't get enough of this site!!! Being a bellboy is hard work. Do they expect me to work without a break?
At least I'm only looking and not commenting. I'm too big of a pussy to do that here.

Wow, What a site PutnamLIES.com is. It's much better than PutnumLive.
Real news stories, not like that whining, self promoting shit on my site.

That "Health News" column really has me thinking. Maybe that's why I'm batshit crazy.
And the Crime News about the dog raper has got me all hot and bothered.
Great political insight and investigative reporting as well.
It's much more entertaining and informative than a page of other people's links.
I hope people don't send in more negative stuff about me though. God knows, there's enough of it out there.

Uh oh. Gotta go. The guy in 312 needs some ice and a pack of condoms.

UPDATE: After I put the condom on the guy in 312, I came back downstairs and got back on the computer until I left work.
Then after I got home, I left an incoherent anonymous comment on the 2 week old Overpriced Property post. They'll never guess who it was.

Marion County Man Arrested For Having Muttsex

Normally, PutnamLIES.com does not publish Marion County crime articles. However, because of the luridness of this crime, its lack of proximity to Putnam County and the possibility of driving desperately needed traffic to my site, we are going to bend the rules in the interest of public safety.There are few people worse than a thief - unless that thief is also a dog raper.
Dog rapers make everyone nervous - including cops.

And while this publisher would never condone this type of behavior, especially with a male dog, Australian shepherds are really good looking dogs, if you know what I'm saying.

This is a very attractive dog.

PutnamLIES.com would not be able to bring you this story if it happened in Putnam County because Sheriff Mark L. Smith and his administration refuse to return my harassing telephone calls after this publisher was acquitted after an allegedly false arrest last year and filed yet another baseless claim for damages against the department.

For more than 6 months, Sheriff Smith has been uncooperative about providing crime reports and has refused to return my annoying phone calls. They're all INCOMPETENT jackasses. Why won't they treat me like the media professional that I am?

Due to my douchbaggery, PutnamLIES.com was forced to file a Freedom of Information Act request with the department in order to view crime reports. As soon I stop behaving like a whiny little bitch PutnamLIES.com will be able to bring you crime news more promptly.

Maybe not always acting like an asshole, treating people with respect and without name calling would work better than calling people corrupt idiots. Naaaah.

As the kids say, "That's not how I roll."

So That Explains It

Obese People Have 'Severe Brain Degeneration'

File this under "Things That Make You Go Hmmm."

My Bias is Showing...Again

Here in Putnam County, some of us cheer for Marshall. Others root for WVU. Closer to home, we love Buffalo, Hurricane, Poca, or Winfield.
Halburn cheers for whoever Raymond Peak, Scott Edwards, the Hurricane City Council, Mike Hall, Karen Facemyer, Steve and Troy Andes, Raymond “Joe” Haynes and Patti Schoen are against. He opposes everything that they support.
Saturday, it didn't matter. He wore his favorite colors (yellow) and partied the day away at the 3rd Putnam County Tailgate Party.
As loyal readers know, Halburn has it in for WV Delegate Patti Schoen.

Illustration by PutnamLies.com staff artist (NOT Mark Halburn)

She wouldn't allow him to BULLY her into introducing a ridiculous statewide anti-noise law. She saw his demands as the rantings of a MADMAN that they were.
So he now goes out of his way to report any negative items about her and put her in a bad light.

Due to his hatred of Schoen, he deliberately MISREPRESENTED as fact that Debra Girimont, her opponent for the West Virginia House of Delegates 14th District Republican nomination, was a SPONSOR of the Putnam County Tailgate Party. The enemy of his enemy is his friend.


A source has disclosed to PutnamLies.com that Girimont WAS NOT a sponsor but merely a PARTICIPANT. She had a tailgate set up just like the other participants. She did NOT sponsor anything except herself!!!

We call on Ms. Girimont to contact PutnumLive about this misstatement and force him to run a correction! Silence is acceptance!

DAY 8 UPDATE: After eight long days, a slight correction has been made. Ms. Girimont is no longer listed as a sponsor but as a "participating vendor" with no mention made of the correction.
Why is Ms. Girimont being singled out as a participant if she was not a sponsor?
All other participants are lumped into "a host of others."
PutnamLies.com is proud to have forced a unethical publisher into somewhat correcting the record.

Once again, here is another example where, being the SLIMY bucket of shit that he is, he has a personal interest in the story and he fails to disclose it because he has an axe to grind!!
Journalistic ETHICS require that he disclose any conflicts of interest in a story.
Luckily for him, he has no ethics so that doesn't apply to him.
When will he get it through his thick skull that a "news" story is not the place for his personal BIAS?

This is the captain speaking

Some misguided sailors on this ship still think they can pull a fast one on me. Well, they're very much mistaken. I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?


When I went off the deep end last time, the court made me go in for a mental exam. I have no idea why. They said it was for forensic purposes, but I haven't seen it on CSI yet. Where the hell do they get off thinking that there's ANYTHING wrong with me? They're the ones with the PROBLEMS!

Here's a copy of my mental evaluation.

The investigative team at PutnamLies.com has uncovered some of the SHOCKING details from the report:

"It is considered highly unlikely that even an individual who has sustained severe brain damage would perform this poorly.”
"extremely hostile and verbally aggressive"
"His insight was significantly limited"
"Significant symptom exaggeration"
"anger, hostility, paranoid ideation and agitation were significantly elevated"
"ideas of persecution"
"potential for acting out on aggressive impulses"
"narcissistic and paranoid traits"
"severe personality disorder"
"propensity for aggressive behavior"

"Any threats made by Mr. Halburn should be taken seriously and dealt with appropriately"

They said I wadn't right in the head and they put me in there in the nervous hospital.

Threats? I'll threaten them. Wait a minute, I never said that. That was Putnam Johnny.

Blah, blah, blah, about the only thing they left out was "danger to himself and others." What a bunch of QUACKS!!!

What do these guys know? That's their opinion. They're INCOMPETENT and were RUDE to me. They're trying to make me look BAD! They're part of the CONSPIRACY to shut me up! They were hired by LAWYERS! I'll bet they're the people charging up and down the hill blasting their horns and making the grates go clang-clang. They should come to my house and listen to the EXCESSIVE NOISE that I have to put up with every day! They'd change their minds then! Unless they want to buy me out for 75 million dollars, they can all SHUT UP!! Walmart, AEP, Scotty Edwards, the PCDA, the Amish, and Waste Management are all watching me! I've seen them. I KNOW they broke into my house while I was asleep and implanted a WIRE in my anus so they could control my bowel movements!!! I'm right, everybody else is wrong. Everyone is against me!!! They'll pay!!! I'll make everyone pay!!!!! I'm a REPORTER!! I'm a SUBSTITUTE TEACHER!!!
NUTS? I'll show them!!! MY BRAIN HURTS!!!
ARRRGGGHHH!!!! Doctor. You have testified that the following symptoms exist in Lieutenant-Commander Queeg's behavior. Rigidity of personality, feelings of persecution, unreasonable suspicion, a mania for perfection, and a neurotic certainty that he is always in the right. Doctor isn't there one psychiatric term for this illness?


Yes. It's called Halburn's Syndrome.

Many Thanks!

EXCLUSIVE - Publisher Admits Unsavory Allegations

A disturbing email came into the press room at PutnamLies.com Corporate Headquarters yesterday. The subject was the use of keywords in a webpage.

What are keywords you may ask?

Keywords are used by search engines like Google to index websites.

The search engine takes the words you search for and compares them with its database and returns the results, listing pages that match the words you entered.

Typically the author incorporates those words into his page tags (which the reader never sees) and - more importantly - the copy.

When a web page is loaded with keywords that have no relation to the content, that's called keyword stuffing. It's just used to get search engine hits.

Get a load of this:

keyword="sex, nude, porn, naked women, santa claus, girls, Putnam, news, County, West Virginia, sports, information, children, animals, Freedom, America, Liberty, sun, travel, pussy, cock, ass, tits, pepsi, coke, masters, uno, teays valley, hurricane, nitro, applebees, dodge, dakota, layoff, workers, mary kay, cigarettes, smokers, marlboro, winston, nascar, SPORTS, CLOTHES, KROGER, Cars, sheriff, crime, seniors, flu, shots, pneumonia, hospital, ford, ginos, tudors, chevy, food, pizza, rain, dog, cat, weather, snow, hot, cold"

(emphasis mine)

From some disgusting porn site?

Wrong.

What kind of sick twisted degenerate would use keywords like these?

MARK HALLBURN.

They're from so-called Putnam's News Leader. PutnumLive.com

Maybe he should change his slogan to Putnam's FILTH Leader.

When Halburn first heard about keyword stuffing he thought it was something delicious to eat. So he thought he'd try it.

MMMMM, Keyword stuffing.

Just as he likes eating stuffing, he also likes keyword stuffing.

Unfortunately, he's such an DUMB FUCK, by the time he started doing it, it was completely outdated and probably ended up hurting his search results.

Remember when the publisher caught a shark with his bare hands? You've all seen the picture.

Well, here's the article.

As you can see from that page some pretty BIG NAME sponsors have ads there.

Putnam General Hospital, WQBE, WRYV, WOKU, getauto.com, Kodie's Gift Closet, Mary Kay and Cloud 9 Shuttle. I'm sure they were real proud of being associated with such a stellar newsgathering operation as mine.

He used those keywords on that page. Right click on the page and view the source for yourself.

And

He thought Marshall University would enjoy the publicity generated by this EXCLUSIVE article, which is why he used the same keywords on that page as well.

Don't believe me? See for yourself.
Right click on the article and pick view page source.

When the source code pops up, look at where it says metaname=keywords.
See? Pretty smutty, huh?

Maybe that's why they never located here.

Dr Paul Blair (I bet this guy could do some work on some of those keywords), Alex & Alexa Medical Spa (I bet you could get some of those keywords checked there), State Farm, Tudor's Biscuit World, Make A Wish Foundation and WKEX are all proud sponsors of this page.

And there were many other pages that used the same keywords.

Many of the words are self explanatory.

Let me explain some of the other, more unusual choices for a news site.

He hasn't had sex since 9 months before his son was born , he likes to sit in the nude, look at porn, and naked women.

He's a pussy, He hasn't seen his cock in years, He has an enormous ass, and big saggy man tits.

As for the children & animals, I'll leave that to your imagination.

So like most of his site, it's all about HIM.

Face it, He's so desperate for traffic that he'll write, say or do just about anything to get noticed.

We just hope his other advertisers or the fine folks at the Gateway Church Of Christ in St. Albans where he attends are paying attention.

I'm Baaack!

I have made my TRIUMPHANT return.
Actually, I was asked to leave South Carolina.
Something about a rank stench.
Walmart is still here though.

I'm on deadline and have many IMPORTANT meetings with the PutnamLies.com editorial staff.

Porcine Publisher is Pusilanimous Pussy

What a PATHETIC piece of shit I am.
I'm on vacation with my family in Myrtle Beach, (I like to lie and tell everyone I'm in Florida) and I still can't leave Girl of Words alone. I'm so obsessed that I IGNORE my wife and son to check her site and try to post there. I see her in my dreams. I think of her constantly.
DAMN YOU GOW, for forcing me to do this!!!
I hope my wife doesn't find out. She'll be FURIOUS. Like the time she caught me whacking off to pictures of food on the internet. But that's a story for another time.

I am not Rich Chrampanis, but I do play him on the internet.

The other day I used the wifi connection at a BEST BUY to maliciously IMPERSONATE a guy that I used to work with at WPDE before I was fired from there. It didn't work.
Maybe I should try the public LIBRARY . I'll bet that would FOOL her.

I have NO life. No one cares about my opinions, no matter how right I am and no matter how much I'm persecuted. But my personality disorder requires me to insist that everyone listen to and agree with me. My sock puppets certainly do.
How can I get in the last word if nobody will let me post comments? At least I can speak my mind here.


I'm too UPSET to even go to one of the many excellent all-you-can-eat seafood buffets here. I'll just go and EAT this fish.



Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist. And I would have produced that key if they hadn't pulled the Caine out of action. I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer. ..Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory...

Overpriced Property Back on Market

More development, businesses, and jobs could be in store for The City of Hurricane if a recalcitrant husband of a property owner would allow his wife to sell her property at a reasonable price.

A real estate broker has signed a listing for the long overpriced Halburn property, immediately adjacent to Walmart.

"This should be a prime location," says the Realtor. "The location of this property is ideal for businesses that want to take advantage of Walmart's traffic and the growth of Hurricane. Unfortunately, the owner's husband has acted in ways that has alienated everyone involved. Including me. I'm not sure there's anything I can do to meet his unrealistic expectations"

Hurricane's Mayor Scott D. Edwards says "We would love to see that property developed. Getting the fat bastard whose wife owns the property out of the area will help development in the county immensely. He has done nothing but run down the value of the surrounding properties with his constant badmouthing. And frankly, their house is an eyesore."

The property owner's husband says, "I can't get to sleep because of the traffic noise. Walmart and its customers are causing the problems."

"Getting this whining tub of shit out of the neighborhood will bring more jobs to Hurricane, more restaurants and more retail. This is one of our highest priorities." says the mayor.

Other Realtors have listed the property in the past, and others have declined to list the home next to Walmart, because "the property owner's husband is such an demanding, bullying asshole".

The owner's husband says, "A prominent Teays Valley Realtor told me that he won't represent us because I am too controversial. What an IDIOT!!! We have prime location property. His comment is typical of the STUPID people that run this county."

It's probable that the property could have been sold in the past except for the exorbitant price that was being asked. At one time the seller's price was $500,000.

The Realtor says if the economy improves, the chances of a sale increase every day.

"Hurricane & Putnam County is growing every day. The whole area is becoming a business district. The sooner we can run out ignorant motherfuckers like this seller, the better off we'll be."

The seller's husband is now pleading to have his property added to the city's web site and the Putnam County Development Authority's web site, after previously stating, "The P.C.D.A. Executive Director should be tried for stupidity. The EVIL leaders of Putnam County don't have enough brains and common sense to properly plan for traffic! The P.C.D.A., the City of Hurricane, and the West Virginia Department of Highways aren't leaders, these are IDIOTS!!!!"

Mayor Edwards just shakes his head and laughs.

"Like that's going to happen," Edwards says. "He calls me names and then expects me to help him? That manatee can eat shit and die."

The owner's husband added, "Silly Scotty (Edwards) has sold his soul to Walmart's B & O taxes".

Edwards replied, "Well at least they actually pay B&O taxes, which is more than I can say about Mr. Halburn."

"The potential of this property is huge," the Realtor says. "But, it takes a seller that is willing to be reasonable and not run roughshod over any interested parties. I'm not completely convinced that's what we have here."

Mrs. Halburns' property is .618 acres. It's located within a 1/4 mile of Interstate 64, which brings in a high volume of traffic.

Wild Animal Terrorizes Lawrence County Ohio!

Publisher Victim of FRAUD!!

The other day, due to the INCOMPETANCE and INEPTITUDE of an unknown contributor, I was suckered into purchasing and publishing this cartoon:

Editorial Cartoon by Kevin Siers, Charlotte Observer
July 27, 2009

Turns out it was STOLEN by the CRAZED CARTOONER.

Artist conception by PutnamLies.com staff forensic artist.

But it was very FUNNY, and REASONABLY PRICED so I used it anyway.
I guess I was too FUCKING STUPID to notice it wasn't signed and had no attribution.

This is EVERYONE'S fault but mine.
I will no longer stand for this! This is INTENTIONAL affliction of emotional distress.
I've contacted an ATTORNEY to see if he'll take my case for nothing.
I'd get Mike Clifford if he'd take my calls!
I've notified the WV ATTORNEY GENERAL!
I've notified the PUBLIC SERVICE COMMISSION!
I've notified the FTC, FCC, FDA, FAA, USDA and Fannie Mae!
I've notified Roger Dunlap!

And on top of all this, those bastards at COMFORT SUITES and The SUMMIT GROUP have told me I can't post on the internet from work anymore.
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?
I don't need their stinking job. It's only for the benefits anyway. I'll show them.

Before this is over I'm gonna need another COURT ORDERED MENTAL EVALUATION!