Jesus Loves You

Halburn, Not So Much

Sunday is a day for family, friends and faith.

Unless you’re Mark Halburn. You don’t have the first two, so faith is all you have.

Unless your faith requires you to get in a shower. Then, probably not even faith.

Every weekend, PsychoPublisher Mark V. Halburn pops a status message like this up on his Facebook page:

When he isn’t posting from his Boost Mobile pre-paid cell phone, he ambles down the stairs of his garage tenement to get behind the wheel of his Korean sub-compact and drives somewhere to steal internet to update his hate blog or work on his very important legal documents or complete assignments for master’s degree in Human Resources. 

But come Hell or hot dog toaster bought with Best Buy Reward Zone coupons, he posts that message every week.
 
Don't mind the fact that he can't be bothered to get in his shitty little car and drive his fat ass the 14 miles to attend that church but can drive to a wifi hotspot to post that message.

Mark makes a big show of asking all of his friends to watch church services at this Putnam County church on its website. 

The church, which by all accounts is a thoughtful, engaging, positive community (why the hell do they even let Halburn in the door, then?), offers this service at no cost, and archives the sermons for people to revisit, also at no cost. The congregation is in the middle of a capital campaign to move to a new location that will accommodate its growth, so money is understandably tight. Wisely, it appears all extra resources are going toward saving for this project – a project that has its members excited beyond measure.

But not this member.

A couple of weeks ago, it seems something went down between Mark and some members of the church’s audio-video team. And, being the rational and mature man he is, Mark took to Facebook to vent his frustrations.

That’s right. The man who left a dick comment on an obituary  just shit talked the pastors of the church that currently hasn’t shown his fat ass the door. Oh, but this is only the beginning of him showing HIS ass to the rest of the world.

It turns out one of the members of the congregation didn’t appreciate Mark’s sentiments, and took the brave step of commenting about it, which led to the following exchange:

 


















As you can see above, this church member rightly points out that instead of being concerned about how the video looks, maybe Mark should be more focused on the message.

Maybe instead of worrying about mixers and inputs and other things that are just ancillary, he should take the message to heart, and maybe he could learn a thing or two. After all, it’s the content that counts, right?

Not to MARK FUCKING HALBURN!

Mark immediately swoops in to point out to this lowly church member that she’s essentially stupid, Mark is a genius, and he’s being big-leagued by church “leadership.” They are, as he says, “playing the ‘leadership’ card.”

Undeterred (lady, you’ve earned a place in Heaven for this …),  this church member points out that Mark’s comments aren’t done in a way to build up a pastor or congregation, and that having a knowledge or being a self-appointed professional in an area doesn’t make you the person who is most appropriate to decide for everybody what’s best for everybody. Additionally, she gently chides him for dragging this dirty laundry into an open forum such as Facebook.

Here, let us get to the crux of what she was actually saying to Mark:

You’d think that gentle shaming would be enough to end the discussion, right?

Well, no woman gets the last word on MARK HALBURN!

He responds by going back into his worn-out leadership argument – but he doesn’t mean THESE pastors! He means ALL of them. Not these ones! ALL!

During the remainder of the evening and into the next day, Hallburn went on a passive-aggressive bitchfit of postings, all related to this great crime of allegedly substandard church video.

… Hrm. Not at all targeted messaging.

Oh, and here we go … Disagreeing with MARK FUCKING HALBURN doesn’t affect someone’s credibility. You want to talk about credibility? Let’s talk about credibility a minute, Fats. Other than coffee fetching, what actual experience do you have in television production? Handing a steaming cup o’ joe to a real reporter isn’t actual experience, no matter how much you want to tell people it is.

Seriously, motherfucker? Two days later and you’re still bitching? This is the battle you’re choosing? The last group of people on earth who haven’t told you go play a round of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself, and this is how you’re treating them?

But don’t let that stop you. Take it to the next level. Just go Vaguebooking.

I don’t know any balding, sweaty, fat asshole who fits that description at all. Glad you got that off your chest.

Oh … but by that Sunday you’re over it again. You had no trouble putting your principles on the shelf long enough to take your kid to their trick-or-treat event on Saturday night for free candy before or after you ignored him for a few hours in a McDonald’s as you do every other weekend. Good to know nothing trumps free food, you non-parenting bastard.

You’d think that’s where this story ends, but as Halburn would say … 

BUT WAIT!! THERE’S MORE!!

After a few days away staying in hotels, eating in restaurants, and not paying the cut-in-half child support he owes his second ex-wife, Mark posts this out of nowhere.

Where should we even begin with this one?

Remember a few months back when Hallburn claimed to be a hero by rescuing a family of people from their overturned vehicle with nothingmore than his fire extinguisher and a first aid kit? 

In case you don’t, let us refresh your memory.

Over the course of nearly two weeks, Hallburn came out with every explanation possible, altering his story several times each time it was proved he was a liar and this incident never happened. The story became more and more complex with additional layers, and each time Hallburn was pressed on Facebook for details about the incident, he simply ignored the posts. Complete non-response.

 

What drew attention to it repeatedly was his insistence on bringing it up again days after it was put to rest.

Kind of like this.

Why DID you bring this back up, Mark? Could it be that you were feeling a little bit of a frosty reception from members of the church who were more than a little insulted that a guy who can’t bring himself to ACTUALLY ATTEND SERVICES had the gall to tell them how to run THEIR video ministry?

So you expect people to actually believe that a guy who has never before billed himself as a church video production specialist all of a sudden gets a call out of nowhere from a southern Baptist church minister in Atlanta, Georgia, wanting Mark Halburn’s expertise?

Well, we’ll give you credit for one thing, fatboy. You’re getting better at making your stories too vague to be tracked down and busted. There has to be more than 100 Baptist churches in Atlanta. No way anybody could nail you on this one like you were reamed on your fake accident.

So you concoct this elaborate story. TAKE THAT, Putnam County church! THIS BIG CITY CHURCH CALLED ME OUT OF THE BLUE TO ASK ME WHAT I WOULD DO FOR THEIR VIDEO!! SCREW YOU! THEY RECOGNIZE TALENT! YOU RECOGNIZE EPIC FAIL.

Also … really? Hollywood is the Devil? What kind of dollar store stereotype handbook did you pull that bullshit out of, asshole? Just because this minister who doesn’t exist is allegedly from the deep south doesn’t mean he thinks Hollywood is occupied by the Devil. Good to see when you have a lack of a better case, you go back to your roots in racism. Even your imaginary friends are racists.

Other than one of your high school buddies you have snowed into thinking you have any skill or ability to tell anybody how to produce anything except a bowel movement, nobody’s buying this. But that doesn’t prevent you from getting in that one last subtle dig.

Yeah, Dara … Why DID he call? Oh, wait. He didn’t. There. Answered that for you.

James: I’m sure he’d settle for someone buying him a hot meal at this point that doesn’t come from a dollar menu.

And you, asshole. Could you name drop any more? I’m willing to bet not a single one of those fuckers knows who you are. They didn’t ask you your name when you were handing them their coffee. 

Also, FUCK YOU and your West Virginia crack. You hate it here, Crisco? The door’s right there. Get the fuck out and don’t come back. You won’t be missed. Not even by your kid. Maybe his next father will feed him real meals and play with him outside. 

Called to the Most High? Are you MOST HIGH? Jesus Christ, nobody’s buying it. Nobody’s buying your role as attentive father, Christian businessman, video professional who loves the Lord. You’re a dirtbag. A scheming, conniving, backhanded, grifting dirtbag. The fact that you continue to insult a church that hasn’t turned its back on you shows what kind of a psychopath you are.

Go fuck yourself, God boy. Video your fat ass exiting the state.