Substitute Teacher Freaks Out

Belle, WV—Substitute teacher Mark Halburn completely freaked out during second block, a freshman class source at Riverside High School reported Tuesday.

"Mr. Halburn totally lost his shit during class," said Brandon Adkins, one of the 10 students who witnessed Halburn's meltdown. "Some of the students in the back of the room were giving him a hard time, and suddenly, he just blew up. It was like someone ripped off his human face to reveal some kind of drooling monster underneath."

Although accounts of Halburn's amazing breakdown vary, perhaps due to the highly charged emotional atmosphere of the event, some facts have been established. It is known that Halburn, who has a reputation for his confrontational approach to everything, showed signs of stress 20 minutes into Block II. After several of his requests for quiet were ignored, Halburn reportedly became increasingly unhinged.

"[Halburn] said, 'Cut out the horsing around and smart talk, or else,'" Adkins said. "Stuff like that. His face was all red and his voice was high and lispy."

Rather than listen to Halburn, the students continued to laugh, throw things, and ask to go to the restroom unnecessarily.

It was about two thirds into the 90-minute class that Halburn allegedly lost it altogether.

"It sounded like all hell broke loose in there," said math teacher Pat Christy , who was conducting a sophomore geometry class in the classroom next door. "I don't know what happened, but I can tell you that it wasn't pretty."

Other members of the class were able to give a more thorough account.

"He started looking for something on his desk—maybe a lesson plan book, or a pen to write people's names down—but he accidentally knocked his coffee on stuff, and some kids started laughing, and then he just freaked," Adkins said. "First, he slammed his fist down on the desk, then he kicked a wastebasket, and then he knocked a big ol' pile of books off Jessica Davis' desk."

Sources said that, after he picked up two erasers that had fallen off the white board and clapped them together in a bizarre show of anger, Halburn stormed out of the room, vowing never to return. Roughly a minute later however, he returned, attempted to resume class, and instructed students to open their books. In the process of putting on his reading glasses, however, he accidentally poked himself in the eye, at which point the display of hysteria resumed.

Students and teachers in neighboring rooms remained glued to their seats, paralyzed with fear and confusion, as Halburn issued random disciplinary actions against the students, flinging detention slips and parent-teacher-conference request forms with undisguised contempt, screaming obscenities all the while.

"I heard that sub scream, 'Go to hell,'" said senior Josh Dingess, who overheard the commotion from the classroom across the hall. "Then there was some banging, and he said, 'I don't get paid enough to take this shit,' then he hollered something about excessive noise and something else about a babysitter."

Approximately seven minutes after the conniption fit began, it was over. Halburn reportedly fumbled with the locking file cabinet beside his desk, pulled out his lunch bag, and disappeared down the hall. Administration sources said Halburn passed by the front office into the parking lot, where he got into his Hyundai, slammed the door, and charged up Warrior Drive.

Halburn has not returned to the school since the incident.

"None of us had any idea that Mr. Halburn was a mental case," Adkins said. "We thought he was a pussy and that we could get away with hassling him. And we did, for weeks. I guess we pushed him too far. Nuts like him shouldn't be teaching. He could hurt someone."

Principal Paula Potter said that although no black mark will be placed on Halburn's record, he "isn't likely to be asked to return to Riverside High any time in the immediate future." Potter said the regular teacher, who's out sick, will return soon. In the meantime, the class will be taught by Potter.

"Man, those freshmen really screwed up this time," senior Paul Lilly told reporters. "Potter is a real hardass. It's going to be as bad as the time those juniors made the art teacher cry. You can bet she's going to let them have it, and good, for messing with that sub."