Happy New Year!

From Scumbar's  Biggest Scumbag






















One benefit of not wearing a shirt is that it doesn't matter if you drool on yourself.

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year! Mine couldn't get much worse.

Another Not So Merry Christmas

It was another depressing Christmas for me this year.

After being thrown out of the home where I lived for almost 10 years, I was left to fend for myself. After failing in South Carolina, I was forced to move back to West Virginia, where I spent the holiday all alone because I'm an unfit father.

Now that all the excitement has died down, I thought I'd share some of the joy with you.

The fun started for me on Christmas Eve. I met some great guys at a dumpster where I was diving for Coke points and they told me about a place that served dinner FREE!

I had a feast with my family, my NEW family. This one couldn't be beat. Best of all, it was all free!!! Suckers!

Afterward, I waddled back to my HUD garage apartment.

 

All the excitement (and free fish sticks) got to me and I fell asleep underneath the tree in my new crib.

I was awoken during the night to find Santa standing over me. As I looked up at him he said:

When I looked on Christmas morning, all I got was some coal in my stocking.

 

Why would Santa do something like that? I'll bet Chip Watkins, Mike Kelly  and those darn trash bloggers put him up to it. They're all out to get me. I think I've been a good little boy this year. There was that arrest and those two restraining orders but I don't think he'd hold those against me.

The folks at PutnamLIES.com did give me even more shit this year than last year if that's possible.

Later I went over and drowned my sorrows with a big bucket of my favorite Christmas pick me up.

What a crappy Christmas. I guess I'm still not used to it yet.

I hope the new year is better! It couldn't get much worse. I just hope I'm not in jail next Christmas.
 

Many Thanks!

Merry Christmas!

From Scumbar's Scumbag Santa.



Another Christmas is destroyed by EXCESSIVE NOISE.

I am awakened during the night by some kind of jingling bells coming from a sled in the neighborhood and someone laughing loudly. HOW RUDE!!! There is NO reason why someone should be so rude!!! What kind of IDIOT would do such a thing so late at night?

I'm living in a garage apartment in Dunbar and I still can't get any peace and quiet ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

Peace on Earth and good will to all especially Mike Kelly, William Watkins, AEP, Scott Edwards, Steve Andes, Raymond "Joe" Haynes (do the Amish even celebrate Christmas?), Mark Sorsaia, Gary Walton, Ben Newhouse, Girl of Words, Lee, Lenny, Tyler Hollywood, Tybois, Harry Stamper, and all the great readers and commenters at PutnamLIES.com!

You know what I got for Christmas?

Nothing!

Here's to ya!

Trick or Treat

It's Halloween again, and by popular demand we're bringing back some trick or treat favorites.

Once again you can be the scariest fat kid on your block with the Official PutnamLIES.com Mark Hallburn Halloween Mask.

Download Full Size PDF

The PutnamLIES.com Strokey Mark Mask is the most popular mask we offer! With 100% more drool than the regular mask, this was downloaded over 2500 times last year.

Download Full Size PDF

Last year, readers asked for something to go with their masks, so we introduced the MARK HALBURN MANPURSE!
Now you too can pretend that you're very important. Pretend you're a reporter for a blog. Be like Halburn and keep track of the things you don't have to do or the people you need to harass. Send an invoice for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!
It's easy with your manpurse.

Download full size PDF

New for 2012! 
Get your very own Warp ZTE phone just like Mark uses to harass public employees! Have fun making multiple threatening calls every day!

Download full size PDF

Pick a mask, print it out, cut it out & put it on!
(straitjacket not included)

Go to divorce court.
Go to the unemployment office.
Go swimming (only when the pool's closed, of course.)
Be a substitute teacher in Kanawha County! (no qualifications needed)
Go Trick or Treating at Fatso's HUD apartment.
Do anything you want!
You're Mark Fucking Halburn!

Scare your friends!
Scare your neighbors!
They'll run. They'll cry.
They'll shit their pants!

Many thanks!

Happy Halloween!

Happy New Year!

From Putnam County's Biggest New Year's Crybaby

Everyone better be nicer to me this year!

Happy New Year everybody!

A Not So Merry Christmas

It was a pretty depressing Christmas for me this year.
Most of you know that my wife deserted me over a month ago, leaving me to fend for myself. But, I was able to pick myself up and find a really great place to live.

Now that all the excitement has died down, I thought I'd share some of the joy with you.

I got such a big tree this year that I had to move out of my bedroom.

It's OK though, the rest of my place is so luxurious that I don't mind sleeping in another room.
Well, it's kind of like another room but it's outside. I do get plenty of fresh air though!!!


I had a feast with my family, my NEW family, the night before Christmas this year. This one couldn't be beat. Best of all, it was all free!!!
Later I went over and drowned my sorrows with a big bucket of my favorite Christmas pick me up.

Then the big day came.

Somebody put some coal in my stocking. I don't know who would do something like that. Probably Joe Haynes or those darn trash bloggers again. I think I've been a good little boy this year.

The folks at PutnamLIES.com gave me even more shit this year.
What a crappy Christmas. I guess I'd better get used to it.

I hope the new year is better! It couldn't get much worse.
Many Thanks!

Merry Christmas!

From Putnam County's homeless Santa.



Another Christmas is destroyed by EXCESSIVE NOISE.

I am awakened during the night by some kind of jingling bells coming from a sled in the neighborhood and someone laughing loudly. HOW RUDE!!! There is NO reason why someone should be so rude!!! What kind of IDIOT would do such a thing so late at night?

I'm living in a dumpster behind Wally World and I still can't get any peace and quiet ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

Peace on Earth and good will to all especially Walmart, AEP, Scott Edwards, Steve Andes, Raymond "Joe" Haynes (do the Amish even celebrate Christmas?), Mark Sorsaia, Gary Walton, Ben Newhouse, Girl of Words, Lee, Lenny, Tyler Hollywood, Tybois, Harry Stamper, and all the great readers and commenters at PutnamLIES.com!

You know what I got for Christmas?

Nothing!

Here's to ya!

A Creepy Christmas Card

This Week On The Family Channel

A Hilarious Christmas Comedy!



A touching tale of an abusive bully who gets an early Christmas present.

Neediest Cases

Real Job, New Place To Live Would Make Difference For Man

Mark, 50, was married and had one child until his second
wife divorced him. He once lived in a modest $299,000 house owned by his mother-in-law and wife until they threw him out.

His wife was his sole support. Mark worked several menial jobs so that he could feel that he was contributing, but it was barely enough to put gas in his cheap Korean sub-compact car. In fact, his plight is now so bad that recently he's been forced to sleep in the car when his favorite dumpster is unavailable.
He sometimes works as substitute baby sitter for a local school system but he can only work there until they find out about his record. He mostly drives around aimlessly looking for children to photograph.

Mark has a severe personality disorder that makes it difficult for him to hold a job or interact with normal people. His weight makes it difficult to do much except his hobby of running what he calls an "internet news site". A number of arrests also hamper his ability to get along in the area. He was recently banned from all parks in Putnam County.
"He's obese, balding and very difficult. He complains constantly. He's already gone through 2 wives. Seriously, 2! How in the world did he fool two women into marrying him?" said a social worker familiar with his case.

He is in dire need of a place to live and a new wife to support him..

Won't you please help a needy, hateful old bastard have a Merry Christmas?

Needs: Cardboard boxes to sleep in, old blankets, a gullible naive desperate woman.

Cases published in PutnamLIES.com's Neediest Cases have not been verified by anyone.
Contributions may be left in front of the third dumpster from the right behind the Walmart in Hurricane.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To Putnam County's news loser.



We're thankful you'll be gone soon.

It's Halloween Again!

It's that time of year again, and by popular demand we're bringing back some Halloween favorites.

Once again you can be the scariest fat kid on your block with the Official PutnamLIES.com Mark Hallburn Halloween Mask.

Download Full Size PDF


Introduced last year, the PutnamLIES.com Strokey Mark Mask is the most popular mask we offer! With 75% more scare than the regular mask, this was downloaded over 1500 times last year.

Download Full Size PDF

This year, readers have asked for accessories to go with their masks, so we're introducing the MARK HALBURN MANPURSE!
Now you too can pretend that you're very important. Pretend you're a reporter for a blog. Do like Halburn and keep track of the things you don't have to do or the people you need to harass. Send an invoice for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!
It's easy with your manpurse.

Download full size PDF

Pick a mask, print it out, cut it out & put it on!
(straitjacket not included)

Go to the Hurricane Walmart.
Go to Hurricane City Hall.
Go swimming (only when the pool's closed, of course.)
Be a substitute teacher in Kanawha County! (no qualifications needed)
Go Trick or Treating at Fatso's house.
Do anything you want!
You're Mark Fucking Hallburn!

Scare your friends!
Scare your neighbors!
They'll run. They'll cry.
They'll shit their pants!

Many thanks!

Happy Halloween!

Now, More Than Ever

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such disolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

I do think it's sweet that you trot me out when you need sympathy.

Why is Halburn Now Harassing FTD?

Hallburn Celebrates Mother's Day By Verbally Abusing Someone's Mother

Many people use FTD, Florists' Transworld Delivery, to send flowers across the country. Mother's Day is the biggest holiday for flower sales in the US.
FTD sends the order to a local florist via computer and the local florist makes up the arrangement with their own flowers and delivers them.

Well, obviously Halburn flew off the handle on Mother's Day and started harassing them.

Enough for someone there in their corporate offices to Google his name.
At 3 AM this morning.
Which brought them here.
For over an hour.

We're sure they'll be back.

We'd like to welcome our readers from FTD and invite them to have a look around and see exactly what kind of nut they're dealing with.
Drop us a line and let us know your side of the story. You can bet he'll be badmouthing you when he tells his.

Just know this: his scam is to complain about every service that he gets in the hopes of receiving that service for free and to harass your employees until he gets it.
Don't give it to him.

Happy Mother's Day!

From the fattest motherfucker in Hurricane!

Here Comes Marky Cottontail

Hoppin' down the Putnam Trail.



The school where I work needs an Easter basket with lots of candy. Does anyone have one?

Oops, I just laid an egg.
Hey! That's not chocolate!

Happy Easter everyone!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

From Putnam County's corpulent, crying cupid!



Especially to Walmart, AEP, PCDA, Scott Edwards, Steve Andes, Raymond "Joe" Haynes (do the Amish even celebrate Valentine's Day?), Mike Hall, Patti Schoen, Gary Walton, Ben Newhouse, Girl of Words, Lee, Lenny, Tyler Hollywood, Tybois, Harry Stamper and all the great readers and commenters at PutnamEYES.com!

I have a heart on for all of you!

Happy New Year!

From Putnam County's biggest baby.



One benefit of not wearing a shirt is that it doesn't matter if you drool on yourself.

Happy New Year everyone!