What sort Of Man Reads PutnamLIES.com?

Apologies to Hugh Hefner

Even Halburn's advertisers read PutnamLIES.com !
Everyone enjoys a good laugh ! Especially at his expense.
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Putnam Book Club Formed

The newly formed Putnam Book Club will hold its monthly meeting this evening.
This month's book is "The Pancake Boy" by Mark Vance Halburn. The club meets at 194 Grace Dr. in Hurricane. Everyone is invited to attend.

Here Comes Marky Cottontail

Hoppin' down the Putnam Trail.



The school where I work needs an Easter basket with lots of candy. Does anyone have one?

Oops, I just laid an egg.
Hey! That's not chocolate!

Happy Easter everyone!!!

Happy New Year!

From Putnam County's biggest baby.



One benefit of not wearing a shirt is that it doesn't matter if you drool on yourself.

Happy New Year everyone!

Halloween Is Almost Here Again!

By popular demand we're bringing back a Halloween favorite.

Once again you can be the scariest fat kid on your block with the Official PutnamLIES.com Mark Hallburn Halloween Mask.

Download Full Size PDF

Print it out, cut it out & put it on!
(straitjacket not included)

Go to the Hurricane Walmart.
Go to Hurricane City Hall.
Go swimming (only when the pool's closed, of course.)
Be a substitute teacher in Kanawha County! (no qualifications needed)
Go Trick or Treating at Fatso's house.
Do anything you want!
You're Mark Fucking Hallburn!

Scare your friends!
Scare your neighbors!
They'll run. They'll cry.
They'll shit their pants!

Many thanks!

Happy Halloween!


Update: Readers have asked for it and now it's here!
New for 2010, the PutnamLIES.com Strokey Mark Mask!
Now with 75% more scare!

Download Full Size PDF

Hallburn Goes To The Mall

One of our intrepid correspondents tipped us off to this incident at the mall.

 

What's In The FOIA Mailbag?

Sent: Friday, July 09, 2010 1:17 AM
To: Brian Donat
Subject: CAMC Teays

Bryan:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY we need real leadership in this county. My wife is having COMPLICATIONS from her surgery recovery and we have been told I may have to drive her to CHARELESTON(sic) because CAMC Teays does not have a urologist on staff. This is a county of 60,000 people-NOT a third-world country! We don't pay taxes to get this kind of CRAPPY services! You were made aware of this situation earlier this week and it hasn't improved. FIX IT !

Many thanks!

Mark Halburn

Brian Donat is the Administrator for the Putnam County Commission. What he has to do with CAMC, a private hospital, is a mystery to us.
Maybe Halburn wants the county to require an employee to drive their fat asses to Charleston or start a charity hospital.

What do you think he wants?

Handouts Halburn Strikes Again

Fun With Freecycle.


Click to enlarge

Captain Fatsack's at it again.

April 29: I have an inkjet printer that no longer works.

May 28: A young married couple who are friends of our's (sic) need a working printer and to print out grocery coupons. Can you help?


PutnamEYES.com can help, you greedy bastard. Go buy one. You can get a new one for less than fifty bucks. Spare us the sob stories. We know that's a lie. You don't have any friends. What kind of loser would want to hang out with you?

Isn't it amazing that less than a month after he tried to unload his non working inkjet printer, Handouts Halburn is looking for a working one for a young couple to print coupons and college assignments?

Funny how that works.
He and his wife aren't that young and neither of them are in college.

Whattaya Mean, I Can't Come In?

I'm a journalist. Look, I even have my own camera.
Why won't you let me in?
I've never been fired from here before.
Hey! I know somebody's in there. Hello?

May Is Zombie Awareness Month

In honor of Zombie Awareness Month, PutnamLIES.com's staff artist, Psychorabbit, has turned out THE best zombie picture ever!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Zombie Halburn!
While the typical zombie wants brains, Zombie Halburn lusts for grease.

May is the official Zombie Awareness Month of the Zombie Research Society.
Since spring naturally brings with it a sense of renewal and hopefulness, May is the perfect month to emphasize continued vigilance in the face of the coming Zombie Pandemic.

KFC Double Down Sandwich is Here!

Halburn Races To Be First In Line

Here Comes Marky Cottontail

Hoppin' down the Putnam Trail.



I just laid an egg. Hey! That's not chocolate!

Happy Easter everyone!!!

Laugh Of The Day

From a back issue of the Scrote's news blog:

"PutnumLive.com is NOT a cluttered advertising shopper. We do not overwhelm our news pages with ugly ads. Therefore, space is limited in order to deliver a quality news and issues product to our readers and advertisers!"



Not cluttered? Ugly Ads?
Did you even read what you wrote?
That's the ugliest website I've ever seen outside of myspace, which is the ghetto of teh internets. Seriously Halburn, 1996 called, they want their web design skillz back.

It's all I can do to leave this site alone. It's like the walls closing in on Indiana Jones.

Sound Familiar?

PutnamLIES.com reporter Leonard Bernstein (who is still waiting for the cops to come) brought this one to our attention.
Good work, Lenny!

via dilbert.com

BREAKING NEWS

Halburn Spotted at Putnam KFC



Local douchebag Mark Hallburn was spotted this evening at the KFC down the hill from his house, consuming all the free grilled chicken in the restaurant.
"It's free, so I took it all. Fuck them, I'm Mark Halburn!" he said.
"I waited on the couch all day for Colonel Sanders to come back to life and feed me, but nothing happened. I've contacted a lawyer and we are exploring legal action."

Colonel Sanders is still dead and was unavailable for comment.

KFC Announces Another Free Chicken Offer

Colonel Sanders to Return From Dead To Personally Feed Halburn.


Photograph courtesy of PutnamEYES.com staff psychic

KFC has announced that Monday,Oct. 26, more than 5,000 KFCs will give every U.S. customer a free piece of grilled chicken.

In a shocking turn of events, Colonel Harland Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, vowed today he would return from the dead to personally feed the free chicken to Mark Hallburn.

"I've had just about enough of his shit", Sanders said from beyond the grave.
"I saw how he behaved last time so I'm going over to his hovel to feed him personally this time.
And to be honest, he really isn't the kind of customer we want coming into our restaurants. The other customers complain about his smell, his lip smacking and the grease dripping off his chin.
If it takes me coming back from that big tub in the sky to keep him away, it will be worth it to keep our other customers happy.
I may hit the fat bastard with my cane just for good measure."

This will be the third time in six months that the chain is offering a giveaway to promote its Kentucky Grilled Chicken that had its debut last spring.

This will be the first time Sanders has risen from the grave.

Special update from Tyler Hollywood:
Tonight (10/24) on the Bad Side Live.
The Mark Halburn is Eating Free Chicken sighting segment.
With KFC kicking off it's newest giveaway, we all know where greasy hands are gonna be. Only question is, where and how many.

Call, text or email your sightings into the show!
www.talkradiox.com
Tonight at 11.

Halburn's Doppelgänger

Check out this guy at a McDonalds inside a Walmart.
Put a mustache on him and he's everyone's favorite douche.
Must be something about being really fat that turns you
into an angry asshole.



Many thanks! to The Fury Blogger for spotting this.

Guess The Alternym

Guest Columnist
Lee Mays


Salutations folks! Lee from crypticbullshit.com
here! This is my first "guest" column on the
almighty PutnamLIES.com...Putnam County's
News Leader! I must admit I'm a bit intimidated
writing on such a well-known, well respected,
famous, celebrity blog such as this one! 

Mark Hallburn took me to lunch the other day. 
 I got to tour the famous
PutnumLive.com offices in the basement of
his wife's house, study the various
collections of fine Debbie Cakes he has from
all over the world, and got to meet his editorial
staff that includes a pillow with some smeared
lipstick on it named Jacque, a teddy bear with a
Wal-Mart t-shirt on, and his son who keeps shitting in the floor because his dad is much too busy to change a diaper or toilet train
him! It's all good, because it's all in the name of
hard hitting journalism that he is known for!

So ok...in the past Mark HaLburn has posted
under various alternyms, and all these alternyms
praise him and tell us all how awesome he is.
Well...below is a collection of REAL posts that
Mark has posted on various sites, and ones that
I have written myself...let's see if you can guess
which one is mine and which one is Mark's...

Off we go:

1.) John says:
Girl of Words is a village idiot. I live on the other
hill next to Wal-Mart. It’s a 24/7 noisetrap. Our
neighborhood has filed a lawsuit and we don’t even
know Mark. I have a log of license numbers that
charge up the hill. They wake me up almost every
night. My window, like in most homes, is 5 feet
from my bed. We are sick of this Wal-Mart that
was shoved feet from our houses.
If you want to rip Halbrun, that’s your right. But
have you ever talked with him? Have you every
been here? Or did you read a blog and decide to
flame him anonymously from elsewhere?
One other thing: I read his blog, and it isn’t racist.
Perhaps when “reprinting” it you added a few things?
Do you work for Wally World?


2.) Susie says:
I once met Mark in Happy Valley. I recognized Mark
from his days working as a radio announcer.
Mark was doing a story on the diseased mating
habits of the California giraffe. We talked for
awhile and he took us all out to lunch. Mark
only had a salad and a glass of water that day
while the rest of us pigged out on steak,
shrimp, lobster, and all the fish tacos we could
eat. Mark is a pretty light eater and wanted us
to have our fill...he's generous like that. He
even PAID for the entire lunch!! It came to
$647.00, and he paid CASH for it. I didn't
know Mark was so successful with his website
that he could afford such things! When you want
news, Mark Hallburn is your man!


3.) Kevin says:
You're trashing a great guy here. I worked with
Mark in Huntington, WV. I just started working,
we were on the elevator going up and I mentioned
how hungry I was. Well, this guy Mark...he pulls a
candy bar out of his pants pocket and just gives it
to me! He's very generous, and it saddens me that
you people are making fun of him.


4.) Dave says:
I just learned about this dialoge, AKA “Trash Talk.”
I worked with Mark at Cingular. He was a great guy.
We carpooled for months after my truck was totalled
in an accident. (Because I couldn’t afford a new truck
for months). He rarely let me pay for gas from Barboursville.
He said he was going that way anyway. I know Mark wasn’t
fired from Cingular because I saw him write his resignation
letter and give notice. He left for PRC.
I don’t read Putnamlive.com often because I live in South
Charleston. But I have been to Mark’s house during the
Wal-Mart construction. It was a Sunday afternoon and
we couldn’t hold a conversation on his front yard because
of the heavy equipment. Inside it wasn’t much better.
We ended up leaving for lunch across town.
You may not like Mark’s views about Wal-Mart. That’s
OK. But you are trashing a great guy. And that isn’t cool.


5.) Grandstrandgirl says:
Mark is so handsome! I don't know why he's so cool,
but he is! And he's not fat at all!


6.) John says:
Hurricane’s daytime fire staff is paid. And there are
two access roads to Wal-Mart. The closest one to
the accident was not in front of the homes. I was
there. No one was injured. There wasn’t a fire.
There was no need to roll fire vehicles. Here’s the
story that Girl of Words doesn’t tell: The Mayor
that F—-d up and blew down a hillside and
destroyed two neighborhoods to put in his Wally
World is one of the volunteer firefighters. I am
told he ordered the staff firefighters to roll one
truck in front of Halbrug’s house just to piss him
off. And if a fire truck and horn wake my baby
during a nap for no reason, I would be pissed off
to. They are trying to drive us out of our homes
so that we will sell for little money and so that
the city can get more revenue. None of us have
had ANY offers, and none of us are stupid, like
the mayor and his mistress, Girl of Words.


7.) Scotty says:
I live right beside Mark, and let me tell you
something...it's loud around here! Girl of Words,
her lover the mayor, and her goons no nothing
about this great state. Mark has done nothing
but good things for this town and the state of
West Virginia, everything from feeding the
homeless hand-to-mouth to sitting outside in
the freezing rain, strumming on his guitar and
singing fireside songs to collect money for the
Randy Moss Battered and Abused Family Charity.
Mark reminds me alot of U.S. presidents of old,
in fact...Mark actually wanted to host some new
"fireside chats" on radio for a local radio station,
where Mark would ease the residents of Putnam
County's minds with some hearty conversation.
The radio station said it was a brilliant idea but
they didn't have the budget for it even though
Mark said he'd do it for free. I, for one...am
getting sick of all this bashing about Mark
Hallburn, who does nothing but good for the
community. If this Girl of Words wasn't too
busy filling up the pants of Scott Edwards
maybe she could take a trip here to witness all
this noise for herself! I always tell my son I
hope he grows up to be just like Mark Hallburn!


Many thanks to Lee for his first guest column!
Submit your guesses in the comments.

Mark Halburn IS Steve Bosell!

The other night I listened to the Phil Hendrie Show on the radio.
There's a character on his show named Steve Bosell. Steve is an overly sensitive guy that sues everybody at the drop of a hat.

Well, Hendrie's met his match. Halburn's going to sue Hendrie for basing the character on HIM.
Here's what I mean:
Bosell is from Southern California, Halburn's from Southern California. Bosell likes to sue people, Halburn likes to sue people. Halburn was on the radio, Phil Hendrie's on the radio.
Although he's now in the hotel business, even though all he really does is scrape the jizz off the sheets and look at internet porn and PutnamLIES.com while he's there.

Listen to how Steve bitches and moans. Listen to his sense of self-entitlement. Look at some of the lawsuits Bosell has filed. It's exactly what Halburn would do!
THAT'S HIM!!
How RUDE to base a character on HALBURN and not compensate him!! He's a continuing character! He's not getting a dime from this and it is clearly based on him! Somebody's going to PAY!

Listen to this example where Steve calls in:


Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Here's a couple more:
Lost Wallet - HALBURN  LOST MY WALLET TOO - TWICE!
"666" check
Now you tell me that Bosell's not based on him!

Fun With Google

Many thanks Lenny!